One Year.

Hope. 

Hope is something I didn't have a year ago today. I had no hope that one day things would be better, that I would be better, that I would ever stop cutting for more than a day. It's crazy that it's been 365 days since I've cut last. I went from cutting everyday to nothing. It's weird, but nice to know that hope is something real and tangible.

But it wasn't easy. It's the hardest thing I've had to go through so far. Even with that said, I'm so glad that I've had this happen. I've grown so much. I'm definitely not the person I was last year. I'm happy a lot of the time. Genuinely happy. Which is a big improvement. And I get to help people. Maybe be a hope in their life if they are struggling with the same thing. Cutting is a nasty addiction.

I can only hope that I can show others that this is something that you can get through, even though the road ahead looks dark and that there is no way out. That even though you feel like crap and you hate the world and the world hates you and that cutting is the only way to get out or to feel something or to control at least one thing in your life, there's other ways. It will get better.

There is always hope, even if it's the dimmest little light when you're surrounded by dark and despair. And if you see it, just go for it. Go towards it. It gets bigger an brighter until the dark and despair becomes a little speck.

But the biggest thing is that this is something I will struggle with for a long time. Just because it's been a year doesn't mean this is done. That I'm never going to want the urge to cut ever again, because to be completely honest I had one today. I still struggle with my depression and anxiety a lot, but they are so much better. And that gives me hope for the future. :)

My life verse has been Psalm 30:1-3 since two years ago, and it has helped me a lot.

I will exalt you, LORD, 
for you lifted me out of the depths 
and did not let my enemies gloat over me. 
LORD my God, I called to you for help, 
and you healed me. 
You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead; 
you spared me from going down to the pit. 


That verse has helped me through a lot. I've clung to that verse at the hardest times. And now I have a verse that I can cling to now that I've really started to beat this. It's John 8:36. 


So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free. 


I think that's what I'm going to get tattooed over my scars. I was going to get a big cover up tattoo for my scars, but I'm too attached to them. They are a part of me. I love them, as odd as that sounds. I still want to see them, but I don't want that to be the first thing I see. I want to first see that I am free, and then see them in the background.

But all in all, long story short:
I have hope.
Something I used to not have.
And it's an amazing feeling.

My friends and family are amazing. God is amazing. He can do amazing things in your life if you let Him. :)

Hair.

I need to stop worrying so much about my hair.

I find myself on facebook and tumblr and in real life being so jealous of girls' hair. How they look so beautiful with their long hair. And how I don't feel even half as beautiful without it. But I just need to stop.

I did a beautiful thing. Not that I'm bragging about it or saying I'm more beautiful on the inside because I was brave enough to shave my head to raise money, because I'm not. I should just find comfort in my self conscious in that fact; in the fact I was beautiful and gave up something I cherished.

That's all. :)

trapped.

I've started to feel as though I'm trapped. I feel as though I'm sitting in a glass box, seeing everyone move around me, go on with their lives and move forward, but I can't. And the worst part is I can't see my way out because the box is glass. And everyone thinks I'm doing fine, that everything is normal because they can't see the box either. I can't do it on my own. I am fully willing to admit that.

Lots of people like to tell me what I should do.

Get a job!
Go back to school already!
Start taking meds!
Stop being lazy!
Yada yada yada...

It seems like people like to tell me what to do, but never offer any help.

No one has ever asked to help me.

I mean, my roommates have offered to help with a resume, which I need to do.

But its so hard to do all of these things for me. I have anxiety and depression that I still struggle with daily that I sweep under the rug. It's still hard for me to get through day to day things. I have fibromyalgia, I have a really crappy rare ankle condition, it sucks. I'm in pain all the time, and part of me can't help it.

I tried doing the Easter Seals job thing, and my anxiety got crazy bad. It was making me physically sick and I couldn't handle it. I thought I had my anxiety under control for the most pat, but I just don't. :( And it makes me really upset with myself, that on my own without help of medication I can't handle normal grown up stuff. Sometimes I feel so disappointed in myself.

I just, -sigh-, I just want to be able to get out of this damn glass box, and be able to go on with my life.

We Found Each Other In The Dark

Courting.

It's something that has been in discussion a lot lately with my friends. I kinda knew what it was. Well, I really only knew that the couple was set to get married, but didn't date, or something like that. So I asked, and was told the short version of it. That two people know they are going to get married, but don't technically date. The man doesn't lavish and woo the woman with money and gifts and buying her dinner all that jazz. That they never really hang out alone, for fear of getting physical, or when they did, they just would set precise boundaries, of doing nothing. Which totally makes sense to me. But I still wanted to know more so I got on the trusty interweb and googled my heart out.

I found lots of websites that all gave a slight different information, but the basis was all still the same. But from what information I did find out, I don't want to date anymore. I was a boy to court me. It just, quite frankly, makes a thousand times more sense. Because obviously society is doing something wrong with how high the divorce rate is. Dating honestly doesn't make any sense to me. Yeah, I've dated. I had two boyfriends. But looking back and really thinking about them, it just doesn't work, for me at least. I mean, dating does work for some people, and good for them. That's awesome. I just know I can't.

The biggest part of dating that ruins the relationship, is the physicality of it. Being physical can make so many things go wrong. You can become blinded by it, you think you're in love with the person because you're doing things sexually with them. The expectations from both sides, the peer and personal pressure from it, the battle going on between your morals and your hormones. I know so many girls who regret having sex before they were married. Who regret doing more than they wanted to before marriage. I know I have done things that I wanted to save for my husband, but I can't change them, so I learn and grow from them and more on.

Also infatuation. Oh heavens infatuation. So many people just get so infatuated with their significant other. And infatuation is blinding. Your "love" becomes a fog when you should be seeing the warning signs. I think it might be a reason marriages fail. They are just so in love and infatuated that they don't see the bad things about the person, the things they can't live with, don't like. And then after the honeymoon period the fog clears, it's bright as day, and they can look back and see what they missed. I could be wrong, but its just a thought.

 So, I have been blinded by infatuation and thought I was in love with someone because of physical acts, yes. So I thought to myself, why on earth would I consider just doing the same thing over and over again with boys when I know what the outcome for me is most likely going to be? It seems pretty dumb and ignorant of myself if I did continue. So that's why I decided I want to court.

Because friendship comes first.
Because you truly, truly get to know the person, see who they are without it being foggy because of sexual acts.
Because most of all, God, comes first.

I've always said that I want my husband to be in love with God first, and then me. And that I am the same. That God comes before my husband. It's pretty hard to have God be in the center of the relationship when I'm fooling around with my significant other and feeling guilty about it.

I want to read the Bible with him.
I want us to have debates.
I want us to help each other grow closer to God, not hinder it.

Now, my problem is finding a boy to court with, haha. I think it will happen. I'm going to start praying for my future husband a lot. And not like a for like, "for God to show me who he is and blah blah blah" but for him how I would anyone I know. I think my future hubby deserves it. And I can only hope he's praying for me also. :)

But in conclusion...
Courting > Dating

Northern Wind

Some nights I just really struggle. Tonight is worse than others. Many factors play into it. Just wanting to not be strong anymore, stress, other's struggling with the same thing around me, etc, etc. The BIGGEST thing right now that I'm 42 days away from my 1 year anniversary. It scares the crap out of me quite frankly. Which one would think is a strange reaction. Someone should be happy and excited and proud that they haven't cut themselves in a year. I mean, yes I am those things, but not as much as this weird fear I have of that date. March 22nd. -sigh-

Also, I'm still getting these awful feelings about getting my scars completely covered. Part of me wants to. Part of me wants to finally get these fifty-odd scars on my wrist to stop mocking and taunting me; reminding me of this awful part of my past. But part of me doesn't want get rid of them. They are a part of me. They are a part of my past and show how much I've grown. But I also think a part of me doesn't want to covered them up because I still want to do it. I would love more than anything just to get up an take something sharp to the inside of my arm.

It might be awful to say, but part of me still misses it. I still miss the feeling of relief I would get.

The feeling of satisfaction.
The feeling of control.
The feeling of pain.

The first two make sense yes, but the last one probably not. It might sound strange and barbaric, but it's the truth. It's like you feel life in the pain.

It evokes emotion out of you.
It reminds you you're alive.
It's pain you can control and physically see.

I hate hearing myself say that I miss it. I hate hearing myself say that I miss hurting myself and seeing myself bleed. It makes me feel like I'm crazy and insane and that I'm just not right in the head. What normal person would miss something like that?

Some days, quite often lately, I just don't want to be strong anymore. I've done it for 323 days and I'm tired. I'm emotionally tired of having to deal with wear and tear in my head. It's so much easier to just cut yourself and physically deal with it.

But no.

I won't.

I have stayed strong for so long. I won't turn back now and put to waste everything I've worked so hard on.

It just still sucks. And I hope I don't feel like this for the rest of my life.

O' Sister.

I've kinda themed my blog post titles after song titles from City and Colour's album 'Little Hell,' which is by far one of my all time favorite albums. But the song O' Sister really hit me. Hard in the face. I listened to it and read the lyrics and just, I feel like it's a song that could have been written about me since I've moved to Idaho.

"What have the demons done? 

With the luminous light that once shined from your eyes 

What makes you feel so alone 

Is it the whispering ghosts 

That you feared the most

But the blackness in your heart 

Won't last forever I know its tearing you apart 

But it's a storm you can weather."

I can relate to it so much. It almost saddens me. My heart has hardened, and not it a good way. I am such a compassionate person, and I feel like that's leaving me. It scares me. Being compassionate is one of my spiritual gifts and it might be leaving me? Not okay. The part in the song where it says 'but the blackness in your heart...it's tearing you apart' hit me hard. I dunno. I just am still feeling alone. And I'm trying to change that. I get out and do something with someone. Just, there's so much going through my mind it seems. I feel like I'm still stuck. I need to get out of this town. I need to go explore. Uck. There are so many things I need to do and to stop. So much of my emotions are spent worrying about others, and not myself. I need to stop. I need to start worrying about myself first emotionally. I mean, it's not bad to think of others before yourself, it's actually a very good thing. But I need to think of myself. I need to be selfish sometimes.   I hate saying it. But I do. 

Here's something I realized about myself. So. I am always there for people, always. No matter what. If they need me to drive somewhere, do something, be a crying shoulder, give advice, I'm there. And then I always feel like people aren't there for me in the same way. But I realized that it's because I'm not letting them. I'm not letting them in. I won't let them get that close to me. But at the same time I can't help it. It takes year and years for me to let someone be actually very close to me, and to let them be actually emotional caught up with me life. For instance, Seth. I've known Seth for...5 years? 6? Something like that. He's the only person that I truly trust emotionally. But it's simply because it's taken 5-6 years of me gaining trust with him. Grayson? 2 years. One of my old best friends, took 4 years for me to actually fully emotionally trust her. Candice? 3 years. And those are the kind of people that I can really talk to, and really actually share my feelings with comfortably. 

A lot of people that I have in my immediate life I've only known for 4 months or less. I mean, yeah I've known a lot of people here for quite sometime now, years and years, but it's different. I dunno. I feel kind of ridiculous for being this way, but again, I can't help it. I've been screwed over emotionally more times than I can count and it's hard for me to really trust people with my emotions and what I feel. 

So, long story short: Ryann not being around people she fully trusts = Ryann's emotions feeling closed in and alone. 

So yeah. Those are my thoughts right now. I don't even know if they make any sense. 

Love,

ryann catherine


P.S. This is the song. :)

From October Twenty-Fifth Two Thousand Eleven

Little Hell

I’m not even going to write an entry per say, because I don’t really know how to describe myself. So I leave you with these lyrics.

“What if I can’t be all that you need me to be
We’ve got a good thing going, we have some promises to keep
But my addiction it can be such a detriment
Please believe in this my dear, I am more than penitent

What if everything’s just the way that it will be
Could it be that I am meant to cause you all this grief
My war ships are lying off the coast of your delicate heart
And my aim is steady and true as it’s been right from the start

There’s a degree of difficulty in dealing with me
From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories.
If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall, stare into the past and forget it all

So when we leave it’ll be a quick midnight escape
We’ll disconnect ourselves from all of yesterday
I’ll dig for water and fashion our very own wishing well
Then we’ll throw our coins down hoping to rid of us of this little hell

There’s a degree of difficulty in dealing with me
From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories.
If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall, stare into the past and forget it all

Will we get out of this little hell.”