O' Sister.

I've kinda themed my blog post titles after song titles from City and Colour's album 'Little Hell,' which is by far one of my all time favorite albums. But the song O' Sister really hit me. Hard in the face. I listened to it and read the lyrics and just, I feel like it's a song that could have been written about me since I've moved to Idaho.

"What have the demons done? 

With the luminous light that once shined from your eyes 

What makes you feel so alone 

Is it the whispering ghosts 

That you feared the most

But the blackness in your heart 

Won't last forever I know its tearing you apart 

But it's a storm you can weather."

I can relate to it so much. It almost saddens me. My heart has hardened, and not it a good way. I am such a compassionate person, and I feel like that's leaving me. It scares me. Being compassionate is one of my spiritual gifts and it might be leaving me? Not okay. The part in the song where it says 'but the blackness in your heart...it's tearing you apart' hit me hard. I dunno. I just am still feeling alone. And I'm trying to change that. I get out and do something with someone. Just, there's so much going through my mind it seems. I feel like I'm still stuck. I need to get out of this town. I need to go explore. Uck. There are so many things I need to do and to stop. So much of my emotions are spent worrying about others, and not myself. I need to stop. I need to start worrying about myself first emotionally. I mean, it's not bad to think of others before yourself, it's actually a very good thing. But I need to think of myself. I need to be selfish sometimes.   I hate saying it. But I do. 

Here's something I realized about myself. So. I am always there for people, always. No matter what. If they need me to drive somewhere, do something, be a crying shoulder, give advice, I'm there. And then I always feel like people aren't there for me in the same way. But I realized that it's because I'm not letting them. I'm not letting them in. I won't let them get that close to me. But at the same time I can't help it. It takes year and years for me to let someone be actually very close to me, and to let them be actually emotional caught up with me life. For instance, Seth. I've known Seth for...5 years? 6? Something like that. He's the only person that I truly trust emotionally. But it's simply because it's taken 5-6 years of me gaining trust with him. Grayson? 2 years. One of my old best friends, took 4 years for me to actually fully emotionally trust her. Candice? 3 years. And those are the kind of people that I can really talk to, and really actually share my feelings with comfortably. 

A lot of people that I have in my immediate life I've only known for 4 months or less. I mean, yeah I've known a lot of people here for quite sometime now, years and years, but it's different. I dunno. I feel kind of ridiculous for being this way, but again, I can't help it. I've been screwed over emotionally more times than I can count and it's hard for me to really trust people with my emotions and what I feel. 

So, long story short: Ryann not being around people she fully trusts = Ryann's emotions feeling closed in and alone. 

So yeah. Those are my thoughts right now. I don't even know if they make any sense. 

Love,

ryann catherine


P.S. This is the song. :)