Thursday, March 22, 2012

One Year.


Hope is something I didn't have a year ago today. I had no hope that one day things would be better, that I would be better, that I would ever stop cutting for more than a day. It's crazy that it's been 365 days since I've cut last. I went from cutting everyday to nothing. It's weird, but nice to know that hope is something real and tangible.

But it wasn't easy. It's the hardest thing I've had to go through so far. Even with that said, I'm so glad that I've had this happen. I've grown so much. I'm definitely not the person I was last year. I'm happy a lot of the time. Genuinely happy. Which is a big improvement. And I get to help people. Maybe be a hope in their life if they are struggling with the same thing. Cutting is a nasty addiction.

I can only hope that I can show others that this is something that you can get through, even though the road ahead looks dark and that there is no way out. That even though you feel like crap and you hate the world and the world hates you and that cutting is the only way to get out or to feel something or to control at least one thing in your life, there's other ways. It will get better.

There is always hope, even if it's the dimmest little light when you're surrounded by dark and despair. And if you see it, just go for it. Go towards it. It gets bigger an brighter until the dark and despair becomes a little speck.

But the biggest thing is that this is something I will struggle with for a long time. Just because it's been a year doesn't mean this is done. That I'm never going to want the urge to cut ever again, because to be completely honest I had one today. I still struggle with my depression and anxiety a lot, but they are so much better. And that gives me hope for the future. :)

My life verse has been Psalm 30:1-3 since two years ago, and it has helped me a lot.

I will exalt you, LORD, 
for you lifted me out of the depths 
and did not let my enemies gloat over me. 
LORD my God, I called to you for help, 

and you healed me. 
You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead; 
you spared me from going down to the pit. 

That verse has helped me through a lot. I've clung to that verse at the hardest times. And now I have a verse that I can cling to now that I've really started to beat this. It's John 8:36. 

So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free. 

I think that's what I'm going to get tattooed over my scars. I was going to get a big cover up tattoo for my scars, but I'm too attached to them. They are a part of me. I love them, as odd as that sounds. I still want to see them, but I don't want that to be the first thing I see. I want to first see that I am free, and then see them in the background.

But all in all, long story short:
I have hope.
Something I used to not have.
And it's an amazing feeling.

My friends and family are amazing. God is amazing. He can do amazing things in your life if you let Him. :)

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


I need to stop worrying so much about my hair.

I find myself on facebook and tumblr and in real life being so jealous of girls' hair. How they look so beautiful with their long hair. And how I don't feel even half as beautiful without it. But I just need to stop.

I did a beautiful thing. Not that I'm bragging about it or saying I'm more beautiful on the inside because I was brave enough to shave my head to raise money, because I'm not. I should just find comfort in my self conscious in that fact; in the fact I was beautiful and gave up something I cherished.

That's all. :)

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


I've started to feel as though I'm trapped. I feel as though I'm sitting in a glass box, seeing everyone move around me, go on with their lives and move forward, but I can't. And the worst part is I can't see my way out because the box is glass. And everyone thinks I'm doing fine, that everything is normal because they can't see the box either. I can't do it on my own. I am fully willing to admit that.

Lots of people like to tell me what I should do.

Get a job!
Go back to school already!
Start taking meds!
Stop being lazy!
Yada yada yada...

It seems like people like to tell me what to do, but never offer any help.

No one has ever asked to help me.

I mean, my roommates have offered to help with a resume, which I need to do.

But its so hard to do all of these things for me. I have anxiety and depression that I still struggle with daily that I sweep under the rug. It's still hard for me to get through day to day things. I have fibromyalgia, I have a really crappy rare ankle condition, it sucks. I'm in pain all the time, and part of me can't help it.

I tried doing the Easter Seals job thing, and my anxiety got crazy bad. It was making me physically sick and I couldn't handle it. I thought I had my anxiety under control for the most pat, but I just don't. :( And it makes me really upset with myself, that on my own without help of medication I can't handle normal grown up stuff. Sometimes I feel so disappointed in myself.

I just, -sigh-, I just want to be able to get out of this damn glass box, and be able to go on with my life.