Sunday, February 12, 2012

We Found Each Other In The Dark


It's something that has been in discussion a lot lately with my friends. I kinda knew what it was. Well, I really only knew that the couple was set to get married, but didn't date, or something like that. So I asked, and was told the short version of it. That two people know they are going to get married, but don't technically date. The man doesn't lavish and woo the woman with money and gifts and buying her dinner all that jazz. That they never really hang out alone, for fear of getting physical, or when they did, they just would set precise boundaries, of doing nothing. Which totally makes sense to me. But I still wanted to know more so I got on the trusty interweb and googled my heart out.

I found lots of websites that all gave a slight different information, but the basis was all still the same. But from what information I did find out, I don't want to date anymore. I was a boy to court me. It just, quite frankly, makes a thousand times more sense. Because obviously society is doing something wrong with how high the divorce rate is. Dating honestly doesn't make any sense to me. Yeah, I've dated. I had two boyfriends. But looking back and really thinking about them, it just doesn't work, for me at least. I mean, dating does work for some people, and good for them. That's awesome. I just know I can't.

The biggest part of dating that ruins the relationship, is the physicality of it. Being physical can make so many things go wrong. You can become blinded by it, you think you're in love with the person because you're doing things sexually with them. The expectations from both sides, the peer and personal pressure from it, the battle going on between your morals and your hormones. I know so many girls who regret having sex before they were married. Who regret doing more than they wanted to before marriage. I know I have done things that I wanted to save for my husband, but I can't change them, so I learn and grow from them and more on.

Also infatuation. Oh heavens infatuation. So many people just get so infatuated with their significant other. And infatuation is blinding. Your "love" becomes a fog when you should be seeing the warning signs. I think it might be a reason marriages fail. They are just so in love and infatuated that they don't see the bad things about the person, the things they can't live with, don't like. And then after the honeymoon period the fog clears, it's bright as day, and they can look back and see what they missed. I could be wrong, but its just a thought.

 So, I have been blinded by infatuation and thought I was in love with someone because of physical acts, yes. So I thought to myself, why on earth would I consider just doing the same thing over and over again with boys when I know what the outcome for me is most likely going to be? It seems pretty dumb and ignorant of myself if I did continue. So that's why I decided I want to court.

Because friendship comes first.
Because you truly, truly get to know the person, see who they are without it being foggy because of sexual acts.
Because most of all, God, comes first.

I've always said that I want my husband to be in love with God first, and then me. And that I am the same. That God comes before my husband. It's pretty hard to have God be in the center of the relationship when I'm fooling around with my significant other and feeling guilty about it.

I want to read the Bible with him.
I want us to have debates.
I want us to help each other grow closer to God, not hinder it.

Now, my problem is finding a boy to court with, haha. I think it will happen. I'm going to start praying for my future husband a lot. And not like a for like, "for God to show me who he is and blah blah blah" but for him how I would anyone I know. I think my future hubby deserves it. And I can only hope he's praying for me also. :)

But in conclusion...
Courting > Dating

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Northern Wind

Some nights I just really struggle. Tonight is worse than others. Many factors play into it. Just wanting to not be strong anymore, stress, other's struggling with the same thing around me, etc, etc. The BIGGEST thing right now that I'm 42 days away from my 1 year anniversary. It scares the crap out of me quite frankly. Which one would think is a strange reaction. Someone should be happy and excited and proud that they haven't cut themselves in a year. I mean, yes I am those things, but not as much as this weird fear I have of that date. March 22nd. -sigh-

Also, I'm still getting these awful feelings about getting my scars completely covered. Part of me wants to. Part of me wants to finally get these fifty-odd scars on my wrist to stop mocking and taunting me; reminding me of this awful part of my past. But part of me doesn't want get rid of them. They are a part of me. They are a part of my past and show how much I've grown. But I also think a part of me doesn't want to covered them up because I still want to do it. I would love more than anything just to get up an take something sharp to the inside of my arm.

It might be awful to say, but part of me still misses it. I still miss the feeling of relief I would get.

The feeling of satisfaction.
The feeling of control.
The feeling of pain.

The first two make sense yes, but the last one probably not. It might sound strange and barbaric, but it's the truth. It's like you feel life in the pain.

It evokes emotion out of you.
It reminds you you're alive.
It's pain you can control and physically see.

I hate hearing myself say that I miss it. I hate hearing myself say that I miss hurting myself and seeing myself bleed. It makes me feel like I'm crazy and insane and that I'm just not right in the head. What normal person would miss something like that?

Some days, quite often lately, I just don't want to be strong anymore. I've done it for 323 days and I'm tired. I'm emotionally tired of having to deal with wear and tear in my head. It's so much easier to just cut yourself and physically deal with it.

But no.

I won't.

I have stayed strong for so long. I won't turn back now and put to waste everything I've worked so hard on.

It just still sucks. And I hope I don't feel like this for the rest of my life.