Some nights I just really struggle. Tonight is worse than others. Many factors play into it. Just wanting to not be strong anymore, stress, other's struggling with the same thing around me, etc, etc. The BIGGEST thing right now that I'm 42 days away from my 1 year anniversary. It scares the crap out of me quite frankly. Which one would think is a strange reaction. Someone should be happy and excited and proud that they haven't cut themselves in a year. I mean, yes I am those things, but not as much as this weird fear I have of that date. March 22nd. -sigh-
Also, I'm still getting these awful feelings about getting my scars completely covered. Part of me wants to. Part of me wants to finally get these fifty-odd scars on my wrist to stop mocking and taunting me; reminding me of this awful part of my past. But part of me doesn't want get rid of them. They are a part of me. They are a part of my past and show how much I've grown. But I also think a part of me doesn't want to covered them up because I still want to do it. I would love more than anything just to get up an take something sharp to the inside of my arm.
It might be awful to say, but part of me still misses it. I still miss the feeling of relief I would get.
The feeling of satisfaction.
The feeling of control.
The feeling of pain.
The first two make sense yes, but the last one probably not. It might sound strange and barbaric, but it's the truth. It's like you feel life in the pain.
It evokes emotion out of you.
It reminds you you're alive.
It's pain you can control and physically see.
I hate hearing myself say that I miss it. I hate hearing myself say that I miss hurting myself and seeing myself bleed. It makes me feel like I'm crazy and insane and that I'm just not right in the head. What normal person would miss something like that?
Some days, quite often lately, I just don't want to be strong anymore. I've done it for 323 days and I'm tired. I'm emotionally tired of having to deal with wear and tear in my head. It's so much easier to just cut yourself and physically deal with it.
I have stayed strong for so long. I won't turn back now and put to waste everything I've worked so hard on.
It just still sucks. And I hope I don't feel like this for the rest of my life.