O' Sister.

I've kinda themed my blog post titles after song titles from City and Colour's album 'Little Hell,' which is by far one of my all time favorite albums. But the song O' Sister really hit me. Hard in the face. I listened to it and read the lyrics and just, I feel like it's a song that could have been written about me since I've moved to Idaho.

"What have the demons done? 

With the luminous light that once shined from your eyes 

What makes you feel so alone 

Is it the whispering ghosts 

That you feared the most

But the blackness in your heart 

Won't last forever I know its tearing you apart 

But it's a storm you can weather."

I can relate to it so much. It almost saddens me. My heart has hardened, and not it a good way. I am such a compassionate person, and I feel like that's leaving me. It scares me. Being compassionate is one of my spiritual gifts and it might be leaving me? Not okay. The part in the song where it says 'but the blackness in your heart...it's tearing you apart' hit me hard. I dunno. I just am still feeling alone. And I'm trying to change that. I get out and do something with someone. Just, there's so much going through my mind it seems. I feel like I'm still stuck. I need to get out of this town. I need to go explore. Uck. There are so many things I need to do and to stop. So much of my emotions are spent worrying about others, and not myself. I need to stop. I need to start worrying about myself first emotionally. I mean, it's not bad to think of others before yourself, it's actually a very good thing. But I need to think of myself. I need to be selfish sometimes.   I hate saying it. But I do. 

Here's something I realized about myself. So. I am always there for people, always. No matter what. If they need me to drive somewhere, do something, be a crying shoulder, give advice, I'm there. And then I always feel like people aren't there for me in the same way. But I realized that it's because I'm not letting them. I'm not letting them in. I won't let them get that close to me. But at the same time I can't help it. It takes year and years for me to let someone be actually very close to me, and to let them be actually emotional caught up with me life. For instance, Seth. I've known Seth for...5 years? 6? Something like that. He's the only person that I truly trust emotionally. But it's simply because it's taken 5-6 years of me gaining trust with him. Grayson? 2 years. One of my old best friends, took 4 years for me to actually fully emotionally trust her. Candice? 3 years. And those are the kind of people that I can really talk to, and really actually share my feelings with comfortably. 

A lot of people that I have in my immediate life I've only known for 4 months or less. I mean, yeah I've known a lot of people here for quite sometime now, years and years, but it's different. I dunno. I feel kind of ridiculous for being this way, but again, I can't help it. I've been screwed over emotionally more times than I can count and it's hard for me to really trust people with my emotions and what I feel. 

So, long story short: Ryann not being around people she fully trusts = Ryann's emotions feeling closed in and alone. 

So yeah. Those are my thoughts right now. I don't even know if they make any sense. 

Love,

ryann catherine


P.S. This is the song. :)

From October Twenty-Fifth Two Thousand Eleven

Little Hell

I’m not even going to write an entry per say, because I don’t really know how to describe myself. So I leave you with these lyrics.

“What if I can’t be all that you need me to be
We’ve got a good thing going, we have some promises to keep
But my addiction it can be such a detriment
Please believe in this my dear, I am more than penitent

What if everything’s just the way that it will be
Could it be that I am meant to cause you all this grief
My war ships are lying off the coast of your delicate heart
And my aim is steady and true as it’s been right from the start

There’s a degree of difficulty in dealing with me
From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories.
If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall, stare into the past and forget it all

So when we leave it’ll be a quick midnight escape
We’ll disconnect ourselves from all of yesterday
I’ll dig for water and fashion our very own wishing well
Then we’ll throw our coins down hoping to rid of us of this little hell

There’s a degree of difficulty in dealing with me
From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories.
If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall, stare into the past and forget it all

Will we get out of this little hell.”

From September Sixteenth Two-Thousand Eleven

Fragile Bird

1:00am

Guess who can’t sleep? Yep. You guessed it, me. I honestly feel like I can never get to sleep nowadays, but when I do finally sleep I can’t get enough of it.

So much has been on my mind lately. Like how I’m thinking about not going to BBC, the reason I moved to Boise. Or how I feel so darn empty inside so often.
Also only yesterday did it finally sink into me that I’m out of my own and this is my new life. Not that I am complaining at all, my friends are amazing and God is amazing and my family is amazing and life is good. But it’s just so much change. And I don’t know why it’s taken a MONTH for this all to sink into my brain and my heart, but it did.

Ever since I moved here, I’ve been constantly on the go. I haven’t had anytime to really worry about myself. I mean, I’ve had my moments of crying about boys or going to the doctor when I’m sick, but emotionally I’ve honestly been really checked out. I’m starting to get to that point where I can’t tell if I’m actually truly genuinely happy for a change, or if this is a front I’m putting on. For most of my life I’ve never known the difference, and I hate that.

Also, I feel really stagnant with my life, my emotions, with God. My relationship with God is so stagnant, and I don’t know what I can do to get out of. I’ve tried so many things, but I’ve felt like this for too long. And I think it’s funny that that happened when I moved here. I kept telling people that I felt like my spiritual life was going to get so much more awesome once I moved out of Oregon, but it didn’t the opposite, and I don’t know what caused it. I go to church, I’m involved in so much there and I love it and I love God and people and everything but nothing. Right now at this very moment I feel like I’mm working off knowledge and not my feelings.

And my life. I feel stuck for some reason. Like, more so than I felt in Salem sometimes. I dunno…

And just, it’s getting hard to feel. Like really feel. Again, I dunno. I just don’t want to get to the numb point ever again, and I’m starting to.

Well, I’m going to listen to some city and colour and count some sheep and go to bed.

always,
ryann catherine

From July Eighteenth Two-Thousand Eleven

Hope For Now

So, here I am. Lying in bed at 2:01 in the morning, listening to City and Colour, not being able to sleep. My brain is going crazy, and won’t let me sleep. Quite frankly, it’s the pits.

I can’t stop thinking about Boise. I can’t stop thinking about how I need to find a job. How I need to find a place to live. How my dad is moving to Everett, Washington in less than a month, and I’ll be on my own. I’m trying to let it not bother me, but I can’t. I’m trying to make myself believe that I’m not freaking out on the inside and I’ve got this all figured out.

But I don’t. The other thing that is extremely hard in this, is that I need to trust God more. Sure, I can say I trust God in this situation, but saying and doing are two different things here. I’m just such a control freak, it’s so hard for me to trust Him. It’s hard for me to trust other people in this situation, let alone trusting someone I can’t even see. AND I’m stressed. Doesn't help.

I know I need to give this over to the Lord. I know I do.  Isaiah 26:4 is a verse I really need to keep in the back of my head right now.

"Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.”

It’s such a simple, but strong verse. Trust in the Lord FOREVER. And I love that they say the LORD twice. I think it’s rad.

But I will just be praying about this more and more and trying to give this to God. I know eventually I will. It’ll just take some time.

Always,
ryann catherine