From September Sixteenth Two-Thousand Eleven

Fragile Bird

1:00am

Guess who can’t sleep? Yep. You guessed it, me. I honestly feel like I can never get to sleep nowadays, but when I do finally sleep I can’t get enough of it.

So much has been on my mind lately. Like how I’m thinking about not going to BBC, the reason I moved to Boise. Or how I feel so darn empty inside so often.
Also only yesterday did it finally sink into me that I’m out of my own and this is my new life. Not that I am complaining at all, my friends are amazing and God is amazing and my family is amazing and life is good. But it’s just so much change. And I don’t know why it’s taken a MONTH for this all to sink into my brain and my heart, but it did.

Ever since I moved here, I’ve been constantly on the go. I haven’t had anytime to really worry about myself. I mean, I’ve had my moments of crying about boys or going to the doctor when I’m sick, but emotionally I’ve honestly been really checked out. I’m starting to get to that point where I can’t tell if I’m actually truly genuinely happy for a change, or if this is a front I’m putting on. For most of my life I’ve never known the difference, and I hate that.

Also, I feel really stagnant with my life, my emotions, with God. My relationship with God is so stagnant, and I don’t know what I can do to get out of. I’ve tried so many things, but I’ve felt like this for too long. And I think it’s funny that that happened when I moved here. I kept telling people that I felt like my spiritual life was going to get so much more awesome once I moved out of Oregon, but it didn’t the opposite, and I don’t know what caused it. I go to church, I’m involved in so much there and I love it and I love God and people and everything but nothing. Right now at this very moment I feel like I’mm working off knowledge and not my feelings.

And my life. I feel stuck for some reason. Like, more so than I felt in Salem sometimes. I dunno…

And just, it’s getting hard to feel. Like really feel. Again, I dunno. I just don’t want to get to the numb point ever again, and I’m starting to.

Well, I’m going to listen to some city and colour and count some sheep and go to bed.

always,
ryann catherine